Let's get weird.
Week 9 of the NFL season didn't hold but one truly marquee matchup, but it did provide plenty of drama, a slight bit of intrigue and a lot of weird.
There was something about this week that makes you believe it set a tone for the rest of the season.
The quality of play remained somewhere above leftover, cold spaghetti and Burger King but at this point, let's all admit we're just happy to eat.
So toss in your towel and dive into what we learned in Week 9 of the NFL season:
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Cowboys 35 – Browns 10
The good: The Cowboys offense, the Cowboys defense, Dak Prescott, Cole Beasley, Jason Witten, Zeke Elliott, Jamie Collins’ haircut.
The bad: Everything the Browns did, outside of their ridiculous trick play.
The inexcusable: Mark Sanchez playing in this game and not wearing a Browns jersey. That’s cruel, Cowboys.
Also, the Browns aren’t going to win a game this season — it’s becoming more and more apparent by the game.
The NFL putting them on a Thursday night game, which they have this week, is the ultimate sign of hubris — this will be the game that people point to so long as people ask why NFL ratings remain down.
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Ravens 21 – Steelers 14
Ben Roethlisberger always has the general gait of someone who ate way too much shellfish roughly two hours ago and isn’t sure what could happen at any given moment in the aftermath, and Sunday’s game was perhaps the best example of that tenuousness yet. It might have been a literal representation of the scenario I’ve created in my own mind.
Coming off a torn meniscus that was repaired on Oct. 17, Big Ben came back and was pitiful for the first three quarters of the game — there might have been something wrong with those crabs from the pregame spread — before leading the Steelers to a touchdown down 21-0, literally going to to the locker room for five minutes for no explained reason, and then coming out and looking great for the rest of the game.
Frankly, this was a game the Ravens had no business winning — the fact that Pittsburgh could put up roughly 100 yards for most of the game and almost win is egregious. The Steelers handed this contest to Baltimore with a blocked punt (by an unblocked man) for a touchdown and with a dropped touchdown pass to Sammie Coates that was in his hands with 4:04 left and would have given the Steelers a fine chance to tie the game on a final possession. Alas, they ran out of time and the Ravens, who may or may not be good and I’m now convinced we’re never going to actually know, escaped with a win — possibly thanks to the power of crustaceans.
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Chiefs 19 – Jaguars 14
It’s hard to win on the road in the NFL, but when your opponent is shorthanded before and during the game and then hands you every opportunity and you don’t win, you need to evaluate what the hell anyone is doing on your team.
The problem for Jacksonville is that we’re way past a “come to Jesus” moment. This team is a tar pit for good times and it’s spitting up on everything in its immediate vicinity.
Though, there were two great moments in this game: Blake Bortles threw an interception that was the worst I’ve seen in the NFL this year — no small feat — and reality TV star/above average tight end Travis Kelce threw his towel at a ref after he missed an egregious pass interference call in the end zone. Travis Kelce then apologized on Twitter after the game, ruining the one fun moment.
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Dolphins 27 – Jets 23
Oh, is this the week where we pretend that the Dolphins are playoff contenders? Please let this be the week where we take the form of the last three weeks — which featured two 200-yard rushing games and a contest against the Jets that went down to the wire — and pretend that the Dolphins are going to make the playoffs. I only wish this because expectations can never be accurate in Miami — they must be over-the-top optimistic or, well, the opposite. It’s like Pitbull — you either love Mr. Worldwide or you loath him (fun secret, more of you love him than you’re willing to admit).
Here’s the best part: there’s a fine chance that the Dolphins have seven wins heading into their final four games. Whether they’re actually a good team or not (my thoughts on this are clear) they will, in all likelihood, be in the thick of things come December.
They’ll also play the Patriots — the vengeful, rotten Patriots — in Week 17, at home, on New Year’s Day in a game that could well determine if they’ll go to the playoffs for the first time since 2008.
This is all setting up for the most incredible implosion and I can hardly contain my excitement.
Also, the Jets are a hot mess. Ryan Fitzpatrick knows they’ll never change quarterbacks and that he'll spend the rest of his career as a backup on a bad team, so he's deliberately doing whatever the hell he wants at any given moment. You know he’s calling his own plays in the huddle, because what are they going to do, play Bryce Petty?
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Lions 22 – Vikings 16
The NFC North sure devolved, didn’t it?
This Vikings’ loss felt like a season-ender — they had a late lead and then allowed the Lions to tie with no time remaining and then win in overtime. Sam Bradford was almost decapitated multiple times in this game, there’s still no viable run game to be found, and the defense is wilting under its workload. The playoffs aren’t happening for this team, but Sunday proved a chance to tread water for a week — the Vikings are full-on drowning now.
Here’s how bad the NFC North is — the Lions are considered the favorites right now. If this keeps up another two or three weeks, we’re going to push a “the Bears can make the playoffs” narrative, which is a secret code phase that you whisper into Roger Goodell’s ear to activate his programming to disband the league.
For anyone who thinks the Lions are a good team, I’d recommend you watch an actual game sometime — I know you haven’t, and that’s OK, but you need to do so now (you shouldn’t have talked) — so you can understand why this team has a negative point differential.
I swear, the most interesting divisional battle in the NFL this season won’t be who wins the AFC West but rather which division is truly worse: the AFC South, AFC North or NFC North.
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Giants 28 – Eagles 23
This game was peak NFC East — just good enough to stay entertaining, but so out-of-control bad that you weren’t sure what was happenstance and what was actually skill anymore.
What I’m trying to say was that this game was Eli Manning’s career encapsulated.
One day, Carson Wentz will have a few touchdowns to go with his two boneheaded interceptions per game, but until that day comes, he needs to recognize the master, Manning, who has a great chance to get the Giants to seven wins over the next three weeks, which would make the inevitable 8-8 record all the more incredible.
Also, I’m starting to become seriously concerned that Odell Beckham has a screw loose.
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Panthers 13 – Rams 10
Legally speaking, this game happened.
That said, now that we’re doing ties, I was praying that both teams found themselves deadlocked after 75 soulless minutes, because neither team deserved a win in this contest.
Let’s talk about Case Keenum — it’s not his fault the Rams are pitiful, but he’s not helping the problem much, either. The Rams’ wide receivers are horrific — there are multiple college teams whose wideouts (Clemson and Texas A&M, to start) I’d prefer to the Rams’. But defenses are overwhelming the line of scrimmage, daring the Rams to throw the ball and while Keenum doesn’t have the targets, he doesn’t have the arm, either.
It’s time to play Goff. At least the kid can learn from his terrible play. What lessons does Keenum need here? It’s not like he’s going to get another starting job in the NFL — let him finish out his contract healthy and with some remaining dignity, we’ve all seen enough.
And while yes, the NFL doesn’t do a good job in protecting Cam Newton, they’re putting together a similar performance to the Panthers’ offensive line so far this year.
Saints 41 – 49ers 23
The rumor is that Oregon booster and Nike founder Phil Knight is willing to pay the next Ducks coach $10 million. Someone should let Chip Kelly know about that.
This game was a mess from the get-go, and if there was ever a Saints defensive stat, this is it: Colin Kaepernick had a historic first half for the 49ers, throwing for 286 yards. (He trailed in the game 31-20).
At least the Browns have a ton of draft picks coming up and a plan — the 49ers are the NFL’s most aimless franchise. How aspiring defensive back coach and ACL recovery enthusiast Trent Baalke is still employed in Santa Clara is truly a testament to the power of blackmail.
Meanwhile, the city of Santa Clara is threatening to take over Levi’s Stadium over a breach of contract by the 49ers. I don’t think much of the civic government in the South Bay, but do you think they could seize the team as well?
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Colts 31 – Packers 26
This game was the NFL in 2016 — two exceptional quarterbacks without much help going toe-to-toe. Luck won this battle of the poor saps.
We knew that the Colts were going to be a one-dimensional, at best, team after they signed Luck to a massive contract — they were never all that well built to begin with, after all, but it is truly depressing to see the disintegration of talent around Rodgers.
Worse yet, you can see that frustration on Rodgers’ face, well, pretty much every minute of every day. I’m predicting major changes in Green Bay at the end of the season, because the whole scenario — bad team, mad quarterback — seems untenable.
Both of these teams still have a chance to make the playoffs because of their weak divisions — add that to it’s “so 2016” file.
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Chargers 43 – Titans 35
This was a crazy-fun game between two of the NFL’s worst coaches — it didn’t feel right for this game to be so entraining. Perhaps because expectations were so low beforehand, it came across as halfway competent.
It’s all about perspective, people.
Remember when we thought Melvin Gordon was a bust? What a silly time.
Marcus Mariota feels on the verge of doing something big, gang. Meanwhile, Phillip Rivers has been doing it big for a decade and we’re all yet to really notice or care.
Maybe we’ll pay attention when there’s another, better team in the L.A. Coliseum next year.
Which happens first — the Chargers or Jared Goff start a home game in Los Angeles?
(Seriously, don’t give your cheap, billionaire owners a penny for a new stadium, San Diego.)
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Raiders 30 – Broncos 20
The Raiders are the real deal, man. Everything is contextual, so while there might be glaring holes with this team, they are atop the best division in football at the halfway point of the season and don’t look poised to for a massive fall-off, either. I wouldn’t pick the Raiders to go to the Super Bowl, but they’re going to be in the playoffs this year, probably with a bye.
I’ll write off Denver in some capacity when they play poorly in back-to-back weeks — until then, nothing but respect for the defending champions, even if they don’t get 300 yards of offense in a game.
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