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The 25 best nicknames from the XFL, ranked

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The XFL: No rules, just fights.

On Thursday, ESPN announced it would be releasing a 30 For 30 on the XFL in February of 2017.

For those of you who turned on a TV in the early 2000s, you might remember the “Xtreme Football League”— a glorious cluster-shelling of mediocre football and fans fighting in the stands, brought to you courtesty of the WWF.

It was, in essence, an attempt by Vince McMahon to deregulate the stuffy No Fun League and capitalize on America's favorite sport by spicing it up with what people really wanted: NFL Blitz, but real. 

It didn't last long, but the XFL gave us a few things we'll never forget, the most enduring being the absurd nicknames stamped on the back on players' jerseys.

The following is the definitive ranking of the best 25 nicknames from the XFL, along with an assessment of what the name sounds like it represents.

**Images are not necessarily of the player in question, just amazing images of the XFL in general**.

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25

“Gladiator"

Player: Michael Blair, RB — New York/New Jersey Hitmen
 
Sounds Like: Russell Crowe’s failed attempt to join the XFL unnoticed.

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24

"ChronicY2K1"

Player: Charles Jordan, WR — Memphis Maniax
 
Sounds Like: The file you downloaded on Limewire that was supposed to be new Dr. Dre.

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23

"Col 3:17"

Player: Todd Doxzon, WR — Los Angeles Xtreme
 
Sounds Like: The Good Book if I ever heard it.

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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22

“The Jet"

Player: Jimmy Cunningham, WR — San Francisco Demons
 
Sounds Like: Kenny Anderson had a desperate month or two there.

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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21

"Mondo"

Player: Ramondo Stalling, DE — Los Angeles Xtreme
 
Sounds Like: The founder of a popular American burger chain that rose and fell in the ‘90s due to board of health infractions exposed by two well-meaning knuckleheads.
 

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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20

“Big Cat”

Player: Antonio Anderson, DT — Memphis Maniax
 
Sounds Like: Some people at Barstool need to investigate.
 

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19

“Big Daddy"

Player: Jerry Crafts, OT —Los Angeles Xtreme
 
Sounds Like: The guy who think he’s such a “good time” he advertises it in Sharpie in the bathroom stall.

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18

“Super-C”

Player: Craig Powell, LB — San Francisco Demons
 
Sounds Like: The vitamin packets that you make due with in lieu health insurance.

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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17

“Samurai"

Player: Shinzo Yamada, DB — Memphis Maniax
 
Sounds Like: The best past experience you can have on your CV when trying out for the XFL.

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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16

"Big Merck"

Player: Ron Merkerson, LB — New York/New Jersey Hitmen
 
Sounds Like:Call of Duty expansion map with only grenade launchers.

Drake’s attention at P.F. Chang’s.

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15

"D-Day"

Player: Donnell Day, DB —Los Angeles Xtreme
 
Sounds Like: A day that will live in infamy/the hottest seller at Hampsterdam’s Black Friday sale.

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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14

"E-rupt"

Player: Errick Herrin, LB —Los Angeles Xtreme
 
Sounds Like: A new way millennials can bankrupt you online? More at ten.

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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13

"The Truth"

Player: Rashaan Shehee, RB —Los Angeles Xtreme
 
Sounds Like: Paul Pierce has grounds for copyright infringement.

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12

"Hit Squad"

Player: Otis Floyd, LB —San Francisco Demons
 
Sounds Like: A now-defunct Murder Inc. boy band and/or the coolest-looking team at the 3-on-3 basketball tournament.

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11

"Big Saab”

Player: Dwayne Sabb, LB — New York/New Jersey Hitmen
 
Sounds Like: A large version of the automobile your aunt drove after trading in the LeBaron. Smelled weird, but had some get-up-and-go. 

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10

“Thoro"

Player: Ben Snell —Las Vegas Outlaws
 
Sounds Like: A four-armed Norse god you can unlock in Mortal Kombat if you hit the volcano just right.

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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9

"Ox"

Player: Ken Oxendine, RB — Los Angeles Xtreme
 
Sounds Like: He had to be kicked into chicken wire three times by Patrick Swayze before the producers of Road House got the shot right.
 

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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8

"Druck"

Player: Jim Druckenmiller, QB — Memphis Maniax
 
Sounds Like: The accompanying dance to a southern rap anthem that never really caught on nationally, i.e. “DO DA DRUCK WIT IT (EH). PULL UP THE TRUCK WIT IT (EH).'

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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7

"Baby Boy"

Player: Haven Field, LB —New York/New Jersey Hitmen
 
Sounds Like: Birdman trying to get Drake’s attention at P.F. Chang’s.
 

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6

"Mantis"

 
 

Player: Darryl Hobbs, WR — Memphis Maniax
 
Sounds Like: An exotic and lethal man who is not the licensed medical professional he claims to be.
 
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5

"Death Blow"

Player: Jamal Duff, DB — Los Angeles Xtreme

Sounds Like: The next D-List DC Comics hero to get his own gritty reboot.

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4

"Tater"

Player: Mark Tate, DB — New York/New Jersey Hitmen
 
Sounds Like: Ron White has a friend for life.

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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3

"Chuckwagon"

Player: Chrys Chukwuma, RB — Las Vegas Outlaws
 
Sounds Like: The smelliest group on the Oregon Trail.

This content is subject to copyright.Getty Images

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2

"Dirty Durden"

Player: Reggie Durden, DB — Los Angeles Xtreme
 
Sounds Like: An intimate move you’ll never try again after that one Valentine’s Day.

AP

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1

"He Hate Me"

Player: Rod Smart, RB — New York/New Jersey Hitmen.

Sounds Like: My childhood.

 

Dan is on Twitter. His XFL nickname is “Da Most Uncrustable.”

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