Having a “thing” is very, very important for an NFL player.
In a league that’s constantly specializing positions down to the most minute level, having a move or ability you can call on that others can't is the quickest way to stand out and earn yourself a contract. There is no better way to stay employed than by making your skills irreplaceable.
In this spirit, the following is a rundown of each NFL team’s biggest difference-maker in 2016 and their most dangerous weapon—the ability, move or characteristic that sets them apart and makes them a difference-maker for their team.
I’ve also provided “danger level” comparisons for each player, because it was the right thing to do. Enjoy.
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32
Jacksonville Jaguars—Allen Robinson’s body control
Allen Robinson is 6’3”, 209 with long, long arms—not exactly the archetype for a circus catch style receiver.
So to see Robinson, one of the few bright spots in a Jaguars franchise that vacillates between hopeful and 'dammit it’s happening again' go up and contort his body to haul in puzzlingly underthrown Blake Bortles long balls is an unexpected and welcome sight.
Somehow, his control in the air is entirely improvisational and surgical.
Danger level: A conversation that begins “I’m not racist, but…”
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31
Minnesota Vikings—Adrian Peterson’s high knees
When healthy, Adrian Peterson’s high knees are his source of power, his rock. And I would rather take my chances with the Predator if I had to choose which one I’d prefer running full-speed at me.
Danger Level: 30 mph crane kick.
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30
Chicago Bears—Alshon Jeffery’s giant pillow hands
Size is great, but it doesn’t mean anything if you have bricks for hands.
Danger Level: Stomach gurgle you foolishly trusted.
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29
Cincinnati Bengals—Vontaze Burfict’s shoulders
They’re like bottle openers but for heads.
Danger Level: Mosh pit at the Saint Pablo Tour (RIP).
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28
San Francisco 49ers—Torrey Smith's likability
In the dark, Bane-hole of futility that is the San Francisco 49ers, the lone ray of light is Torrey Smith and his charisma. He's not a worldbeater on the field, but given the circumstances, his presence in the Bay might be priceless.
Danger Level: two-days-past-expired milk.
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27
Indianapolis Colts—Pat McAfee’s sense of humor
The team might be a lumpy chowder of disappointment, but at least Pat hasn’t changed.
Danger Level: Off-color joke in the work Slack.
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26
Baltimore Ravens—Justin Tucker’s swagger
This decision came down to Justin Tucker or Steve Smith Sr.’s right jab, but I had to go with Tucker, who is a strange and beautiful palm tree of a person on an otherwise meat-and-potatoes, four-wheel drive franchise. And I will not rest until he and Terrell Suggs are in a buddy cop movie together.
Danger Level: Weapons-grade Brut cologne.
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25
Miami Dolphins—Ndamukong Suh’s curb stomp
In terms of sheer, literal danger, Ndamukong Suh’s cleated feet are up there with Ron Artest’s right cross in the all-time pantheon of most devastating weapons.
Danger Level: Asking Twitter to tell you what it looks like you do for a living.
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24
Houston Texans—J.J. Watt's just being around?
Not much is particularly noteworthy about the Texans, who have won six games despite Brock Osweiler’s best efforts to throw them into oblivion.
So the only logical conclusion here is J.J. Watt standing around like a wounded G.I. Joe has provided enough karmic goodwill in the Texans’ favor to swing a few games their way. Karmic momentum is huge.
Danger Level:Revenant bear.
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23
Detroit Lions—Matt Stafford’s long ball
No Megatron, no cry.
Danger Level: Watermelon slingshot.
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22
Cleveland Browns—Joe Haden’s instincts
Aggression can be a skill, and Joe Haden’s ability to be in constant attack mode is a rare trait on a Browns team that probably wishes it could sim to the end of season right now.
Danger Level: Letting the Baha Men dog-sit.
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21
New York Jets—Matt Forte’s hands
He cooks, he cleans, he catches. Matt Forte is the Swiss Army Knife of running backs, and his most handy feature is the steady pair of hands he exhibits as a very busy safety valve in a very in-need of safety valves Jets offense.
Danger Level: Old-model, steel frame Cadillac you do not want to rear-end.
20
Los Angeles Rams—Aaron Donald’s reflexes
Call it instincts, ability, “explosiveness”—whatever brand you think fits. But Aaron Donald is by far the most impactful single player on the Los Angeles Rams on a game-to-game basis, and it all hinges on its his singular ability to get blast off the snap and be in the backfield before the running back has even got the ball.
Danger Level: Armored war badger.
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19
Carolina Panthers—Cam Newton’s durability
Of all his physical assets, Cam Newton’s ability to be hit by a truck, shrug it off and go to work is probably his most singular.
Danger Level: Drywall that turned to out to be stronger than your angry fist.
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18
New York Giants—Odell Beckham Jr.’s claw-gripper
Odell Beckham Jr. is to Giants offense what The Claw was to those alien toys.
Danger Level: Snapchatting at the party after telling people you weren’t going out.
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17
Kansas City Chiefs—Eric Berry’s Hit-Stick
Afraid of horses, in love with launching his entire being into ball carriers at full speed. Knowshon Moreno can no longer eat the best kind of Cap’n Crunch because of Eric Berry.
Danger Level: Saber-tooth jackelope.
16
Seattle Seahawks—Russell Wilson’s rearward-facing eyes
Russell Wilson’s mobility is a huge tool in damaging defenses and keeping himself alive, but without his back-up-camera level pocket instincts, none of that speed matters.
Danger Level: Parking lot camera that saw you bump that Miata.
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15
Tampa Bay Buccaneers—Mike Evans’ catch radius
The most effective way to use Mike Evans is to hike the ball and throw it in his cardinal direction. His 6’3” frame and Mr. Fantastic arms will handle things from here.
Danger Level: Armored war Roomba.
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14
San Diego Chargers—Melvin Gordon’s burst
One of the year’s better comeback stories. Melvin Gordon looks like a new man after coming back from knee surgery, showing more decisiveness in hitting holes which, in turn, has made his biggest tool—exploding into full speed in the open field—that much more effective.
Danger Level: Last donut in the office box.
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13
Tennessee Titans—Marcus Mariota’s renaissance
Not exactly a “weapon,” per se, but Mariota’s coinciding improvement alongside a reengineered Tennessee line has given the Titans’ second-year quarterback a chance to breathe, see the sun and do the thing where he passes accurately without constant fear of death.
Danger Level: The guy she told you not to worry about.
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12
New Orleans Saints—Brandin Cooks’ release
A blur off the line with surprising top-end speed.
Brandin Cooks makes his money by getting off the line and accelerating to 4.33 40-yard dash speed before cornerbacks realize their hips just lied.
Danger Level: Airsoft roulette.
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11
Washington Redskins—Kirk Cousins’ consistency
One of the continued knocks against Cousins has been his inability or unwillingness to cry havoc and let slip the Rex Grossman long ball, and that he’s merely gotten along thanks to “safe” short throws.
But if playing it “safe” still gets your team to a winning record (remember, they’re still the Redskins) and second in the league in passing yardage…well, maybe your man is on to something.
Danger Level: Mall cop who takes the law into his own hands.
10
Oakland Raiders—Amari Cooper’s plant step
Step, step, plant—he gone.
There are are bigger, faster wideouts in the NFL, but nobody changes direction as viciously or unpredictably as Amari Cooper.
Danger Level: Wine-drunk and cutting carrots.
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9
Green Bay Packers—Aaron Rodgers’ release
The ball comes out of Aaron Rodgers’ hand like a dart in a pool hall, and his ability to get rid of that thing so fast is what frustrates defensive linemen and recovering linebackers to no end.
Danger Level: Hair-trigger hot dog cannon.
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8
Buffalo Bills—Lorenzo Alexander’s productivity
A longtime NFL vet who spent most of his career on special teams, Lorenzo Alexander has come out of nowhere in 2016 and established himself as the anchor for an already prolific Bills defense as an inside linebacker.
Through 11 games, Alexander has quadrupled his season-high sack count with 10 takedowns. He is a verified monster.
Danger Level: Marvel character who doesn’t know his own strength.
7
Atlanta Falcons—Julio Jones’ afterburners
Because you can’t teach someone how to be a rocket sled.
Danger Level: Roman candle dodge ball.
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6
Philadelphia Eagles—Carson Wentz’s poise
Speed and strength can be gained and lost, but the ability to step into an NFL pocket for the first time and not involuntarily paint your pants in the face of an all-out bull rush is unteachable.
Danger Level: Normal-looking dude who does MMA.
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5
Denver Broncos—Von Miller’s speed
He is everywhere and nowhere, until he’s on top of your quarterback and bringing him down like cattle.
Danger Level: Pissed off puma.
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4
Arizona Cardinals—David Johnson’s versatility
Put him in the backfield or split him out wide. Either way, the Cardinals’ dark-horse MVP candidate is going to go for 100+ yards and probably flex a few corners’ ribs in the process.
Danger Level: Wet butterfly knife.
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3
Dallas Cowboys—Ezekiel Elliott's patience
When you can run and jump over small buildings like Ezekiel Elliott, it’s probably tempting to hit the first available hole and get right to the god-mode flying part of your run. But Zeke’s been able to remain patient and allow the Cowboys’ O-line to clear the way before committing, which has maximized his opportunities.
Danger Level: Child chess champion.
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2
Pittsburgh Steelers—Antonio Brown’s pumps
Never underestimate weapons-grade wobble.
Danger Level: Stealth thickness you did not detect before this Ying Yang Twins song came on.
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1
New England Patriots—Tom Brady’s sideline throw
Over-the-shoulder go routes…toe-dragging 10-yard outs…curling comebacks…take your pick of tight-windows throws along the sideline where timing is key and know that Tom Brady has it nailed down.
Danger Level: Russian parkour.
Dan is on Twitter. His signature move is the Stealth Crying Man.
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