Field generals on a scale of 1 to unending yawn.
Being the most boring passer in the NFL doesn't happen overnight.
It takes a lot of checkdowns and canned media responses to earn the mantle of the NFL's least interesting QB, and there are veterans in this league who have dedicated their entire career to perfecting this art.
That being said, the following is a definitive ranking of current NFL passers (a few injured ones, also) from least to most boring — with rankings based on their play, personality and general aura. I've also provided guesses as to how each individual spends his Saturday night — because that is important.
Remember: This is an honor.
34
Cam Newton, Panthers
Last year’s lightning rod is this year’s conductor of the L-Train, but Cam Newton packs more excitement into a single pair of pre-game marmot shoes than half the league’s passers display on the field in an entire season.
Spends Saturday night: laughing at PETA emails and eating Chobani in a hot tub.
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33
Tom Brady, Patriots
Instantly makes any NFL game five times better for everyone because loving Tom Brady is just as fun as hating Tom Brady. He is 100 percent popcorn material, and it’s only a matter of time until he throws a perfect pass or embarrasses himself with a cleats-up slide into someone’s guavas.
Spends Saturday night: practicing more masculine ways to go down on slides.
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32
Dak Prescott, Cowboys
A can’t-miss rookie quarterback on the field. A walking CSPAN feed off it. Dak Prescott is the mold for boilerplate greatness.
Spends Saturday nights: collecting the team's orders for Sunday’s continental breakfast.
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31
Jameis Winston, Bucs
Simultaneously the most promising and boneheaded thrower in the game. It’s also important to bear in mind that Winston is doing what he’s doing with the Bucs.
Spends Saturday night: Atoning for crustacean theft.
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30
Derek Carr, Raiders
Derek Carr is arguably the most scintillating young quarterback in the game right now and also the very last person to call if you’re doing hood rat things with your friends.
Spends Saturday nights: Preparing ants on a log for local youth groups.
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29
Carson Wentz, Eagles
Extremely exciting on the field and flagrantly boring off it. The only man in Philadelphia with 11 touchdown passes and an empty Curse Jar.
Spends Saturday nights: resting amply for the exertions that will come on the ‘morrow.
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28
Russell Wilson, Seahawks
Part-time evader of on-field death, full-time believer in the preventative powers of carbonation. Russell Wilson’s greatest allure this season is watching him survive the hunt.
Spends Saturday night: cleaning the Kids’ Choice slime off his suits.
27
Colin Kaepernick, 49ers
Boom or bust, with a lot more of the latter. That being said, few things are as exciting as watching “patriots” attempt the mental gymnastics required to get mad at someone for exercising his First Amendment rights.
Spends Saturday night: hanging out, chilling, pissing off your Drudge Report-loving uncle through his very existence.
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26
Aaron Rodgers, Packers
Hasn’t had the glossiest season to date, but Rodgers can throw a single perfect pass in an otherwise garbage game that will have you questioning physics and your religion allegiances. Also, the ongoing Coaching Cold War in Green Bay adds an edge to the situation.
Spends Saturday night: perfecting the no-handed kiss.
25
Tony Romo, Cowboys
Are they going to trade him? Cut him? Mulch him for his nutrients!??
Tony Romo was one of the most entertaining quarterbacks in the league before his injury warp-drived the Cowboys into the future, and even when he's not the sole reason the Cowboys win or lose every game, he still provides more than his share of background fodder.
Spends Saturday nights: catching up on Westworld and leaving Jerry Jones voicemails.
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24
Andy Dalton, Bengals
Always manages to do just enough to turn any game into an unwarranted, ultimately futile drama-fest.
Spends Saturday nights: Fighting crime? Heading up ginger support meetings?
23
Sam Bradford, Vikings
Was among the most boring, extra-starched folks in the NFL passing corral until he got to Minnesota and became the least exciting of exciting quarterbacks.
Spends Saturday night: concocting new ways to complete passes for under 10 yards.
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22
Jay Cutler, Bears
Slingin' disgrunted heat.
The only thing more exciting than Jay Cutler outplaying the blasé expectations of Bears fans is watching him tank so hard you can see the angry social media posts rippling like exhaust over the Gold Coast.
Spends Saturday night: passive-aggressively scanning Netflix for “something we can both watch.”
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21
Matthew Stafford, Lions
Honeymoon stair runs and deep chucks, baby.
Spends Saturday nights: no longer missing Megatron.
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20
Blake Bortles, Jaguars
A big, powerful arm capable of throwing 5 yards behind his receiver with pinpoint accuracy.
Spends Saturday nights: ensconced in the warm glow of Jacksonville night life.
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19
Brock Osweiler, Texans
The most scintillatingly bad pick-up of the NFL offseason. Can make the most brilliant green you’ve even seen if given enough crayons.
Spends Saturday nights: wondering why the women in Houston look so torn upon meeting him.
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18
Case Keenum, Rams
Finally has his chance to wild out after being benched for Jared Goff, a.k.a. store brand Gosling.
Spends Saturday nights: Recreating government conspiracies in Minecraft.
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17
Teddy Bridgewater, Vikings
Was on track for show-stopper status this season before suffering an injury and being pronounced dead by Twitter. Get better, Teddy. Bradford is a fine band-aid, but the world needs fewer quarterback sleeves.
Spends Saturday nights: yelling into his headset and importing plays into Madden.
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16
Andrew Luck, Colts
A young game manager who enjoyed all of the lavish vices Indianapolis had to offer during Rumspringa. He might be good again at some point, but that’s none of your business.
Spends Saturday nights: stealing sips at Taco Bell.
15
Joe Flacco, Ravens
A walking enigma of jokes, hypotheticals and Hail Mary passes that may go for six or land in purgatory.
Spends Saturday nights: backstroking through Olympic-length pools of money, empathizing with Muppets.
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14
Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers
[taco belch]
Spends Saturday night: in a hermetic trauma chamber.
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13
Drew Brees, Saints
Clinical and effective veteran. Sometimes gets so crazy he tips on takeout.
Spends Saturday nights: Conversing with Brad Pitt from adjacent balconies.
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12
Matt Ryan, Falcons
An enigma of a quarterback who harbors, among other things, the secret to everlasting facial redness.
Spends Saturday nights: reminding neighbors that Chick-fil-A will be closed tomorrow.
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11
Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jets
Better yeller than passer. Probably a big Hamilton guy.
Spends Saturday nights: Staring into a mirror thinking about all the people who’ve doubted him.
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10
Marcus Mariota, Titans
A smart kid who’s had to deal with a lot in his first two pro seasons and the first guy in high school who offered to help with your Algebra homework.
Spends Saturday nights: limbering up for the battering tomorrow will surely bring.
9
Kirk Cousins, Redskins
A real peas-and-carrots type of guy. Spent most of his young adult life thinking Hall & Oates was “Holland Oates.”
Spends Saturday nights: dressing up as Gary Johnston from Team America.
8
Cody Kessler, Browns
Seems like a nice boy who got mixed up with a bad franchise.
Spends Saturday nights: praying this will end soon.
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7
Eli Manning, Giants
The faces alone are worth the price of admission on Manning, who comes closest to scratching humanity when detailing the many laurels of DirecTV.
Spends Saturday nights: in a Mr. Magoo-ish fugue state.
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6
Trevor Siemian, Broncos
No one knows this person. Literally no one.
Spends Saturday nights: praying for Paxton Lynch to botch this bigger than he does.
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5
Philip Rivers, Chargers
A solid veteran whose locker room presence is enough to scare up six or seven wins every season. The most thrills-and-chills moment of Rivers' career thus far involved kicking a football upfield to the dismay of all.
Spends Saturday nights: in a sound-and-child-proof bunker deep within his home trying to get some damned sleep.
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4
Ryan Tannehill, Dolphins
A very boring quarterback with a very not-boring significant other.
Spends Saturday nights: trying to read the playbook while loading clips.
3
Tyrod Taylor, Bills
Does a mean Toyota Camry commercial.
Spends Saturday nights: wherever he thinks Rex and Rob won’t be.
2
Carson Palmer, Cardinals
[the longest, most neck-beardy yawn]
Spends Saturday night: thigh-deep in MadLibs.
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1
Alex Smith, Chiefs
Smith is the Cadillac of boring, pairing best-in-class in-game monotony with solid, good-guy philanthropy off the field. He's one of those rare passers who can make it feel like he pays for every first down in buffalo nickels.
Spends Saturday nights: painting his Warhammer figurines in silence.
Dan is on Twitter being the Trevor Siemian of memes.
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